My brain feels so fragmented being constantly divided between watching my daughter and trying to let my own focus unfurl to a depth at which i can see and think clearly…
Peace and quiet doesn’t exist in my world… But i manage to get pieces of quiet from time to time when i can let my sympathetic nervous system out of it’s overdrive state and give my brain and body a short service (as in how you service your car so it doesn’t get run down and fall into disrepair).
My favourite way of doing this is to catch the morning or afternoon sun somewhere… preferably on my own or with someone who can attain a similar state and isn’t going to talk my ear off and prevent my mental detox from happenning.
I close my eyes and let my eyeballs roll up a little, and, facing the sun gently, just feel it’s sensation on my face, and relax for a few minutes/ breaths… and then take the awareness inside my eyes and up into the head cavity. It’s like I’m looking into the centre of my brain and through my forehead at the same time. I am aware of different areas of my brain and kind of feel the middle/centre gently and without effort or else the cortisol is gonna kick in again. (Stress hormone).
So I have awareness on my breath… just of the rise and fall of the breath, the sensation inside my head cavity, and the feeling of warmth on my skin.
Someone said that the mind can focus on a maximum of three things at once, So holding this attention gently… chemicals and chain reactions start to slow down and the nervous system gradually shifts into a parasympathetic state. I can actually feel when it clicks over and my brain starts releasing seratonin. Oh my God, it feels so good and like little bubbles are gradually releasing the crinkled nightmares from my brow. That’s the only way I can explain it. I also experience a sense of releasing through my crown chakra and being drawn into the divine connection with my Source/God.
From this state i can be in a state of bliss for several minutes or even longer… sometimes i can lay all day in this state… It’s so healing. Sunshine is an important element for me in getting the endorphins to start releasing. And if i “try” or make any effort… it doesn’t work. I just have to release and surrender. That’s all there is.
My mind automatically unravels things, let’s go of what it needs to, and I start seeing possible solutions or sometimes have flashes of inspiration seemingly out of nowhere.
I haven’t had a lot of time to do this lately. My ears are full, my mind is in ultra-dense compaction mode, my eyes feel like deep circles of space and time skim their edges perpetually leaving a dense glare and sharp overhang, and i can just never seem to get my energy back and firing no matter how much i sleep or close them.
My mind is just always on the go… perpetually thinking and worried for what’s going to happen with/to my house and my daughter.
Terrible isn’t it?
So simple if i could just take myself off somewhere and not listen to my daughter constantly echolating. If i could just focus on what i need, for a little while… my own divine source, my connection with my God… gee my life would be that much more pleasurable and i could have a much nicer and brighter outlook than when I’m a moody grumped-up terdball who’s tired and angry and doesn’t want to be touched by anyone.
I feel like I’m going into gross exaggeration here but truly, how can one relax, be at peace, enjoy sex, anything like that when you’re bodily state is in Hogan’s wars and your mind is armed to buffet the next rifle.
Jesus Christ, it’s not easy times we live in… especially with all this run around just trying to get support for our kids who have special needs. The drag war feels like it’s never going to end. How to continue in this delirium?
Even just a little bit.
On making myself better.
The outside world is secondary. I just have to focus on primary. That’s me. And not lose my shit in the meantime.
I have been trying to get clear. trying to express my vision. Trying to explain my plan for myself and my daughter and our future life. Trying to make it some kind of readable package i can hand to people. Ain’t gonna happen.
It’s too vast and too big and there’s so many parts and my mind can’t fit them all together logically. I can only think in pictures and see maps and stuff like that. When i try to sit down to write, i am invariably distracted by my daughter’s needs. Like now… she’s grabbing food. So I’m getting up now to make salad.
I’m not trying to be enlightened or teach anyone something they ‘should’ know. Just trying to delve into the depths of my own mind and not come out too regurgitated… invite and receive helpful input from others, find other families with a similar vision and make our lives truly amazing.
Freyr just broke the new fancy comb i bought yesterday to stop food going in her hair. It’s ok it was only a dollar but still… Why?!?!?!
Just yesterday i felt incredibly angry and resentful and felt like i was going to lose my shit for a few minutes. Only once mind you. Today there’s a slow-boil happening… like every time my daughter sniffs the snot back up her nose (even though I’ve wiped it 5-6 times already today)… and she is sitting there rocking and shaking our bus. Making her usual echolations and gutteral/grunting sounds etc.
There’s no way i can endure this for very long no matter what enlightened plane i sit on in the morning… well actually i didn’t get on that plane today … only yesterday. Interesting comparison for how her noises and carrying on affect my brain. Well yesterday i was on the phone and talking to people…. today could be a reflective day… and i might actually get to writing stuff for her plan, or even work on my business stuff. Oh no, i have a Centrlink robodebt to sort out. Today is also radio silence… waiting for a call from legal aid. Wondering will Child Support continue after Freyr turns 18 in December. Apparently I’ll have to go through court and there’s no way i can do that here in Australia with Freyr with me.
Fuck that – right now i want to go back to Bali and dump here with her carer and go somewhere very very quiet for a few days and then go and flicking do something that doesn’t revolve around bullshit Ndis drama and just go and be alive and learn stuff that i want to be able to do and share in my life and freaking Have a life!!! This state of sitting waiting for a government agency to give me information or determine how my daughter can or is going to live her future life does not sit well with me AT ALL.
I know i need to set up or connect with a group that can self-manage itself and create living community environments where i can spend time with my family (me, my daughter, my partner and Freyr’s carer/s). I am strung between working on that and seeing how my Indonesian partner and friends and I can be making a business and earning money through the bamboo workshop and construction side which in turn supports the schooling side for our local friends and kids with special needs.
Anyway, fuck the how. As Katrina Ruth says. Just get on with it and build the empire of your dreams…
Let’s do this!!
I have no idea about all this web stuff but sign up below in the black menu bat to receive updates, subscribe to this blog, and join our Facebook Group: Friends of Freyr
Praise God and please help me. I want to enjoy being around people again! I want to enjoy being able to have a normal conversation that just flows like a steam and doesn’t have to go anywhere… I want to just co-exist with other people and have a life my daughter can be a part of… not where my life constantly revolves around her. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. But tomorrow I’ll fight again. Just gotta uncross these crossed up wires that are short-circuiting my brain and I’ll be fine! I’ll be able to breathe again! I’ll have a carer so i can go for a walk in the morning and feel normalised and fresh. Please God, help me to stay sane in the meantime.